Dear Michaela

This is a letter from the Michaela I am today, to the Michaela who was hurting three years ago…..

Dear Michaela,

I’m the future you, talking to you from about three years from where you are now. I know you are having a really hard time and I wish I could give you a cuddle – but I can’t. All I can do is give you some hope.

The first thing I want to tell you is that everyone is ok. They really are, and you are too. In fact, I want to tell you that you’re all better than ok, you’re happy.

I want you to know that although you are hurting so badly right now, although you feel like you can’t breathe, like the world around you is falling to pieces and the physical pain in your body is consuming you….. it won’t feel like this forever. I promise you, you really won’t feel like this forever. Please believe me.

Yes, they’ve just told you that your gorgeous little baby girl is most likely disabled. That they think she has some sort of genetic condition. Your heart has broken. You physically felt it break in that paediatrician’s office. You’ve never felt pain like it. And yes, yes it sucks so badly. Cry girl cry. You are allowed to be sad about this. This is not what you thought was going to happen in your life. Don’t feel bad for feeling sad. It’s ok. You’re not letting anyone down by grieving. Your grief will come and go over the next few years. Some days will feel better than others. And that’s ok. You’ve got this. Trust in yourself.

And I’m begging you, please be kind to yourself. This wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t because of anything you did or didn’t do before or when you were pregnant. It wasn’t because you didn’t drink enough water or because you drank a few too many Diet Cokes. Stop feeling guilty. Stop torturing yourself.

But I have to be frank here, Michaela. I don’t want to sugar coat the next few years and pretend it’s going to be a smooth ride. That wouldn’t be fair on you. You deserve to know the truth. And the truth is, you are going to deal with a lot of difficult things. And it’s going to be hard. There is going to be A LOT of tears. (You won’t learn from this and will continue to need a good waterproof mascara three years on 😜).

You are going to learn so many new medical terms, and although I know you feel uncomfortable meeting consultants and doctors now, it’ll become a second nature soon. You’ll learn what to say and how to get what you need for your little girl. You will. And you will do her proud. Because even though some things are going to be a fight. You will learn that every fight is worth fighting for her. You will always find the strength. You really will.

I want to tell you that there will be times when people will upset you. When their ignorance makes you cry yourself to sleep. But you will learn how to stand up for yourself and your daughter. You will learn how educate people – or, on the days that you feel too tired, you will learn how to block out what they say. It’s ok not to educate everyone. It’s ok to let things go. You’ll be happier if you realise that sometimes people just aren’t thinking. They are not bad people. Don’t pretend to yourself that they are just because they are not walking the same path as you.

You will lose touch with friends. I’m sorry to say it but it’s true. They won’t understand how you are feeling and you will be too emotional to communicate your pain to them. Don’t worry, you will reconnect with all the people who matter when you are feeling better and you will learn that they too had stuff they needed to deal with. You are not the only person hurting in this world. Don’t take things personally. And the good thing is, the friends who stick by you will always be there at the end of the day, with a glass of wine, a listening ear and a cuddle. They will be your friends forever even when you move away and they will always love your girl. You will also make new friends. Friends who understand your new way of life. And you will cherish them.

You will fall more in love with your husband than ever before. You will become the best team. This is one of the most wonderful things to come out of all of this. Your husband will show how incredible he is, he will put his career ambitions to the side to get the best for you and your family, he will fight for your daughter’s rights. He won’t let anyone break you down. He will stay up all night with you to tend to Louisa. He will clean up the poo and sick. He will step up more than you can ever imagine. He will make you all laugh and be there for you all even when he is feeling stressed and worried. Even when he is feeling the pain. He will hold you tight when you think you can’t go on. And he will help you stand up. He will hold your family together on the days when you struggle to get out of bed. He is wonderful. I’m telling you that you are one lucky lady to have that beautiful man by your side. Please be kind to him.

And I’m being very honest here. You will struggle with your mental health. You will have days when the pain overrides you and the fear of the future weighs too heavy to handle. But you will get better. You will find so much happiness once you admit that you are struggling and get the help you need. Don’t put it off. You matter too.

And you will see your beautiful children grow big and strong. Your Fred will make you howl with laughter, he will lighten your life with tales of soldiers, dinosaurs and Pokemon characters. He is already so lovely right now with Louisa but he will become even kinder and more understanding of her as he grows. He will show you how innocent children easily accept differences. He will restore your faith in the world. He will snuggle close to you and tell you that he loves you every single day.

And your little girl – well what can I say?

She will walk. She will start communicating. She will surprise you every step of the way. She will bring you more joy than ever. Because you will start to appreciate very different things in life. You will appreciate all those tiny inchstones that no one else notices. She will widen your perspective and teach you so much. You will want to cry with joy when she presses a button on a toy. You will literally cry for days because she has the strength to sit in a trolly. And you will visit Costco regularly just to see her do it. Let yourself be proud of the tiny things. Those small things will build together to create huge, amazing things. And remember, don’t compare Louisa to others. It will only steal your happiness. She is everything she is supposed to be, she is perfect. So, instead, please remember to celebrate everything.

Because, after a few years, you will start to believe that Louisa was meant for you. That all of this was what the world had planned for you and your family. And you won’t always feel as mad as you do right now. In the future, rather than feeling rage at the world, you will find peace. You will actually feel really lucky.

And you will learn how to live more in the moment rather than being overwhelmed by the future. You will find a calmness in that. There will be some days that you do think ahead and it will stop you in your tracks as you wonder how you will manage. But you will manage. In fact, you will thrive.

And you will be brave and find courage. You will put yourself out there and show people your vulnerability. You will admit that you’ve found it tough. You will ask for help when you need it. You will let other mums who are new to this ‘special needs’ life know that it’s ok to be scared. You will tell them to ‘feel their feels’ because this isn’t an easy gig. And by doing this, you will show people how strong you are. You will encourage others to believe in themselves and you will definitely begin to believe in yourself.

So Michaela, I promise you that the future is not as terrifying as you think it is right now. There is so much happiness to come. There are so many miracles you are going to witness. You’ve got so much to look forward to. Your life is going to be beautiful. Maybe even more beautiful than you envisioned because you have the most precious little lady in it. Hold tight and ride the storm and through the scary lightning flashes and dark rain clouds, brighter days are coming. And I believe in you.

Love Michaela xxx